Post First Year Law School Melt Down

I played music with someone last night for the third time since law school began. My idea of a break is having enough time to eat. When I have free time, I am consumed by the thought that it really doesn't belong to me. I constantly have a running list of at least five things that should be done, but are relatively insurmountable tasks given the amount of time I actually have. I am stressed out.

I had this strange belief that all the craziness of my life would dissolve away after law finals were over. IT HAS NOT.

I had this strange idea that I would learn how to relax in the few days when it wasn't absolutely imperative that I study all day and all night. I HAVE NOT.

I had this strange idea that being normal meant that when under enormous stress, I could compose myself with the patience and resolve of Ghandi. I CANNOT. I HAVE NOT. And what is NORMAL is NOT by ANY MEANS as extraordinary as Ghandi.

So I'm normal. Some people are not. I commend you. Whatever way you fall, it's good to have you around. I mean, what would we do without the abnormally put together people? Or at least some who believe they are? Or on the other hand, the abnormally not put together people? -- those who convince us that perhaps we WILL be ok, because after all, we're not THAT bad off!

For the rest of us, some days feel like they will never end, irregardless of the fact that most things are going well and there is plenty of stuff to keep us busy. I'm not sure that it empirically makes sense, but from a human standpoint, I think most of you will agree that the mind is not empirically sound -- we all feel things that fall outside of what our reasoning suggests is appropriate under the circumstances.

The funniest part about all this is that sometimes I forget that I'm normal. I hear someone tell me a story about his or her life, and I wonder why they can't just get it together... just like me. The harsh truth seems to remind me soon enough, however, that I'm not all that put together, and in fact, I'm as much of a disaster inside as those who are actively expressing what I stifle under the busyness of my life. Though life IS good, it's still true that my goals often collapse, my relationships are not what they should be, I don't have enough time to do things the way I feel as though they should be done, and I'm losing out to time on those precious pieces of me that make me feel as though the right half of my brain exists -- my music, my gardens and my writing. I share in the common fate of all those lucky enough to have very many choices in life -- I've filled it up with my choices, and if overwhelming is a big enough word, that's what it has become.

No need to worry though -- just like the rest of you, I'll come around in a few days, begin to ignore my humanity, and bask in the rich busyness of a life unfettered by those persistently itching thoughts of THE OTHER THINGS THAT LINGER UNACCOMPLISHED. I'm sure you will too, if you've hit a similar slump.

I Have Finished One Year of Law School

It's been TWO days since my last final -- my very last for the semester, that is -- and I have been sitting around like a sloth for almost the entirety of those two days. Nothing seems urgent any more, and even if it were, I'm not sure I'd respond. My brain has gone numb.

The last day before my constitutional law exam (my last exam), I sat in a classroom for approximately 13 hours, studying with a group. I returned the next day and sat in another classroom for 9 hours straight -- the length of the exam. You'd think I'd had enough of sitting, but no. I could sit here brainless for days to come. I could sit and not move and not think at all for many more days.

Unfortunately this will not last long, as I will be returning to the world of the living by no later than Monday, when the responsibilities of my life come full circle and people once again expect something of me. "What does that mean?" you say. Well, it means more work, endless work, I've dug myself in a whole, and there's no way out now, work.

This summer I will be doing the following:
1. Working 5-10 hours a week for a professor at the law school doing editing and research on a book on international human rights law.
2. Working 40 hours a week in Philly with a public interest law firm.
3. Trying to catch up on what's really going with the eminent domain project that I have supposedly begun.
4. HOPEFULLY going back to Honduras to build a house; AND
5. HOPEFULLY keeping my sanity.

Wish me luck. I'm sure I'll need it.